Blog Filler

I bought The Economist to read at lunch today. I'm still on the fence about subscription renewal - and I can sit on the fence a long time. It was good to have solid news to read, though.

I need to retool my savings goal and spending forecasts. I definitely need to purchase some more business-appropriate clothing. At the very least, I need a new cardigan sooner rather than later. I am not sure how much to budget overall for clothing for the year. In other spending news, I will need some things for my room at the other house -- some sort of substantial window covering, a lamp, and a bathmat.

I plan on paying the hospital bill (mentioned in an earlier post) by pulling a bit out of savings. I probably wouldn't have had to, but I recently purchased a present (handbound leather journal) for my friend who is graduating with an MBA degree this month.  I hope she likes it! I am not one for presents -- I don't give or receive many throughout the year -- but it's a milestone in her life.

I broke down in tears this evening while washing out a bowl. I can't even remember the exact thought that pushed it out - I was thinking about therapy, or about what it would be like if I went to therapy, and how I would have to sit there and tell some stranger about how much I hate myself.

I bought a card for my ex this afternoon. What would have been our fourth wedding anniversary is coming up. I feel weird, like I should mark the occasion, especially since our divorce has not been finalized by the judge, and because we still talk. We spoke this weekend. Most unfortunately, the talk turned to money - he apparently has turned it all around. He's paying off his debt, he got a big raise at work, looking forward to a substantial bonus this year, wants to buy a house. Good for him. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, because I know he still resents me for not wanting to support him through grad school on a minimum wage job. The bitterness also comes from the knowledge that he did not want to make things better (more stable and solid and less stress) while I was around. I know I'm not good enough. The kind of girl he should have married would have had school paid for her parents, some handouts for a car and the like, and would have landed a high-paying job immediately after the move to that horrible place. That girl wouldn't have been jealous.

I'm not sure that I really believe that he's turned it all around. While we were together, he went through two "2 Year" plans to pay off his credit card debt. But I'm not sure that it matters for someone like him -- his family bailed him out by finding him a well-paying and interesting job in a new field for him and gave him a car. The new employer is paying for him to a second master's degree, in the new field, so he'll really be able to move forward in it. He's going to do just fine, no matter what he does about the debt.

Comments

[Helen]

I guess it may seem crazy for a complete stranger to offer advice, but your situation resonates with me. Anyway, for what it's worth, here it is. Please don't hate yourself. Your future ex-husband is a schmuck. Hate *him* -- and then get over him. You're going to have a better life without him. Since you don't own a house or have children, you could consider moving to another (perhaps less costly) state to go to school yourself. You might be able to support yourself while doing so on scholarships, grants, loans, part-time or full-time employment, and frugality. (If your divorce is at all still under negotiation, please consider trying to get some kind of settlement or alimony to be put toward your career development, education, etc. You sacrificed your previous job for his sake. It does *not* matter that you were unable to get the kind of job after the move that you and he had expected you would -- it is *not* your fault, that kind of disparity from region to region is common and yet hard to discover beforehand, as there is little *accurate* information available. What matters is that you left *your* job for the sake of *his* career, and your divorce lawyer should get you restitution for your sacrifice if at all possible. Oh, and I hope you can get your cat back!) With a background in linguistics, philosophy, and legal assistance plus enjoyment of numbers and finance, perhaps forensic accounting in particular might be a good path for you. If you don't want to move, online degree programs that can be pursued at home through distance learning after work are increasingly common, and even many universities offer them. (For example, I live in Seattle, but instead of actually attending school here, I could pursue a degree through distance learning from the University of Missouri.) Next, please take care of your health. You have been and are going through high stress, and there is increased likelihood of health breakdown in the wake of such stress. If you can write in a journal and exercise regularly, it may help more than you suppose. If you do get a car, watch out for speeding tickets in the year after you divorce; it happens even if you've never had tickets before. Finally, I know it seems difficult and far-fetched now, but your life will change and improve, and you will get most or all of what you want. Figure out what your dreams are and pursue them. You're actually at a point of exciting opportunity to make your life what you want it to be! Best wishes for your happiness and prosperity from this stranger in Seattle, who clicked through to your blog from your comment on Trent's post Nine Things To Do When the Going Gets Tough.